I posted yesterday at 4:15; the nurse finally ended up calling me at, no joke, 4:29.
The news is bad.
Bad enough that I have to go to the emergency clinic on Sunday to get tested again.
Bad enough that she told me to expect bleeding at any time.
We could use a miracle right about now.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:35 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 59 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Please tell me you're still with your friend, and you have someone to go with you on Sunday.

Posted by: Sis B at May 17, 2008 04:38 AM (0ZS+T)

2 Please remember that even us silent types who haven't commented in four plus years are pulling for you. And sometimes Schroedinger's cat lives.

Posted by: eowyn at May 17, 2008 05:34 AM (0Ozff)

3 You know where I am and you know what I'm doing. {{Hugs}} Call me ANYTIME.

Posted by: Guard Wife at May 17, 2008 05:56 AM (20Lnu)

4 Oh no... ((Sarah)) I wish there were something I could do for you

Posted by: dutchgirl at May 17, 2008 06:24 AM (eX79B)

5 My thoughts and prayers are with you. And please do reach out as Sis B and GW have commented. You are not alone...

Posted by: jck at May 17, 2008 07:22 AM (BwQht)

6 I'm sorry.

Posted by: Anwyn at May 17, 2008 08:38 AM (dzxw9)

7 Well, at least they got in touch with you, there's that. Miracles do happen and yours will, if not today, one day. I'm sure of it. I won't regale you with tales of friends who have lost how many babies, how many miscarriages, that doesn't matter; this is you, this is now; and all your internet friends are praying for you and feeling your hurt, dismay, anger, angst, whatever you are feeling. I'm pretty sure if we could all join hands and surround you with a circle of love we would. So consider it done in spirit.

Posted by: Ruth H at May 17, 2008 10:18 AM (w9ltj)

8 Thinking of you. Sending positive, good health vibes your way. You really are in my thoughts... even though we've never met. Isn't technology an awesome thing? Praying for you.

Posted by: Tonya at May 17, 2008 02:00 PM (g+gHl)

9 Sarah, God bless you and keep you in the palm of his hand. I've been reading your blog for several years and I just want you to know that you've got people keepin you in their thoughts and prayers. Chadd Newman St Pete, FL

Posted by: Chadd at May 17, 2008 02:53 PM (DIhI4)

10 we lurkers are praying for you too ...

Posted by: TomboyWarrior at May 17, 2008 09:06 PM (zSR6I)

11 f**k. I especially agree with Ruth H. I cannot tell you how much I think about you and worry about you. And miracles DO happen. Daily!!

Posted by: Allison at May 17, 2008 09:45 PM (m20Ch)

12 Just wanted to let you know that I'm also thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way...

Posted by: Ann M. at May 18, 2008 03:19 AM (Yhlry)

13 Prayers going up!

Posted by: MargeinMI at May 18, 2008 04:17 AM (PLTKW)

14 Wrapping up all the positive energy I can, and wrapping it in hugs for you and your hubby. Prayers on their way.

Posted by: Barb at May 18, 2008 04:43 AM (QOeYI)

15 Just thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok.

Posted by: wifeunit at May 18, 2008 06:14 AM (BOdNw)

16 FbL sent me over. You're in my prayers. I hope you three will be alright.

Posted by: Foxfier at May 18, 2008 04:21 PM (3aOlt)

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No one answered my calls today or called me back.
I don't know my test results.
And now it's the weekend.
I am livid.

Posted by: Sarah at 11:15 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Time is moving like molasses this morning.

I have to wait until noon again to get my bloodwork done. I hear the clock ticking in the silent house and I can't concentrate on anything else.

Will the numbers be high enough? Will they not? I thought I could handle another dead baby, since I've done it once before, but until yesterday I didn't realize just how devastating that would feel again.

I don't feel pregnant this morning. I feel like my body has already given up.

Last night I went out and bought baby clothes, just to try to feel normal.

I am going to the hospital and then I'm not coming home. My dear friend has invited Charlie and me to spend the night at her family's house. A sleepover of sorts. It seems so silly, but she insisted that I not be alone.

She loves Hot Fuzz; me too. Maybe we can watch.

Please don't let the baby be dead.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:29 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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There is one thing I hate about action movies: the wives. The wives are always whiny, self-centered nags. Every action movie wife is Adrian Balboa, telling Rocky not to fight. I get so sick of it. How many times can we hear some snotty witch tell her husband that she's "sick of him putting the job ahead of his family"? And every action hero takes it, lets his wife treat him like dirt while he keeps on killing the bad guys. I can't stand it any longer.

You know, I'm glad my husband has a job that he puts ahead of his family. Because my happiness is not the most important freaking thing on this planet. He doesn't live to make my life perfect; he tries to do a job that's bigger than him, bigger than us. And I am proud of that, I respect that. And I would never dream of emasculating him by saying I can't understand "what he's become," that I can't believe he forgot Timmy's basketball game, that I can't believe that he somehow thinks ridding the streets of evil is better than being home at a decent hour every night.

Seriously, this is what movie wives do. They destroy their husbands because they want their husbands to put them first, above everything else.

That's bullcrap.

I will never forget the post that Joan wrote at SpouseBUZZ about TV husbands promising to make it up to their wives. My husband doesn't have to make anything up to me; it's reward enough to see him do a job he loves well and to make an impact on this world. And yeah, that may mean he misses Timmy's freaking basketball game from time to time. Get over it.

You know, I was stressed out today. I cried a lot and I wished someone was here in the house to hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be OK. But not once during the entire day did I feel upset that my husband was in Iraq instead of here. Not once. His job is more important than my crying stints. We signed up for selfless service, and by golly I take that seriously. I would never dream of making him feel bad for not being home on a day I needed him.

But apparently TV wives sing a different tune.

I hate TV wives. Except Zoe Washburne, she was cool.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:14 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 "I hate TV wives. Except Zoe Washburne, she was cool." hmm...Shiny.

Posted by: Sarah's Pinko Commie Friend at May 15, 2008 06:59 PM (xAF2d)

2 I feel the same way about Lifetime: Television for Woman. It makes my skin crawl. I kinda sorta detest being told my 'hooha' means I need to crave the golden girls and designing women and danielle steele novel adaptations and victimized women movie of the weeks. Because I might just claw my eyes out. Not to be dramatic about it. That entitlement issue is along the same vein as the push present thing you posted about the other day. Some woman are just wired that way and some aren't. I don't understand trying to make your husband feel bad about missing something. But I know I spent a lot of energy trying to make him feel like he wasn't. Thank god for choices.

Posted by: wifeunit at May 15, 2008 07:43 PM (BOdNw)

3 Exactly, wifeunit! I practically took pictures every second that AFG was gone, and will do so again. I wanted him to see what was happening here, because being here or not was never a choice - it just was. And when it comes right down to it, there are an awful lot of people in this world in far worse straits than I ever was. Not that I'm perfect - I've got kvetching down to an art form. But if my life were one dramatic vignette about how I've been victimized by the system, left behind by my husband, or anything else I'd probably jump off the nearest bridge. The big holiday AFG has always missed was Halloween. And my kids STILL talk about the one Halloween he managed to be home. They STILL remember it - and my son was only on the cusp of three! I wonder how many kids whose fathers are always home remember so much as last Halloween? And I wonder how many of those kids honestly think their father is a Superhero? But tv's not really interested in that side of it, I guess.

Posted by: airforcewife at May 16, 2008 05:16 AM (mIbWn)

4 I usually agree w/a lot of what you say and express. And while am vastly proud to stand next to my CPT, i'm done with this way of life. You have never gotten that call saying there has been a medical evacuation. And zero support from FRG, Rear D, and anyone else save your husbands best friend 8 time zones away. I am not whiney, I hold an MBA and work in NYC on wall street i am quite capabable and have been for years, but its time that i was put first. Apparently i am last on the totem poll for the Army and its support systems despite their contract with teh families. The bigger picture of what they are fighting for has zero to do with us. I ride to the WTC every single day and you know what, its a construction site. yes 911 was horrible, its over, us New Yorkers want to move on, b/c one more memorial for 911 just messes up our commute. But the bigger picture should be our family. what we are doing in Iraq is never going to end. our soldiers are going to die needlessly, my husband almost did. Yeah i want to be first. Someone definitley needs to make up for him being gone, for almost dying, for having lasting effects of a war that will never end. That phone call sucks, that worry, the fear the total lack of control sucks. I hope you never experience it. i truly hope your husband loves his job and believes in what he's doing, bc the last 4 years of war have sucked the life out of mine. i'll get over the missed christmas, thanksgiving, numerous birthdays, what i won't get back is my cheery husband, the one i married. you say you wouldn't dream of emasculating him by saying "you can't understand what he's become" you're not there yet, he's not. but it happens, the phone call made sure it did. someone owes me...big time...and not in the form of fisher house or disabilty pay. the job he had to put ahead of his family...made him disappear. yeah, someone needs to make it up to me

Posted by: xscwife at May 16, 2008 07:20 AM (kKccv)

5 I just want to say how very much I appreciate your views on these things. So often I feel alone when I'm one of the very, very few milspouses (here IRL at least) saying, "No, that's his job. No, I won't force a baby out early so he can be here. No, I don't hate him because he won't be here for Christmas." Mind you, I don't like what my husband has had to go through on his boat in the past year, but it's not because of the hours or the deployments or the underways: it's because of what it has done to him and how disillusioned he's become in the last year. But like I told him, it's HIS job and if he wants to retire from the Navy I'm behind him 100% and we as a family will work things out. I may be behind him drinking sometimes, but I'll be there.

Posted by: Tara at May 16, 2008 07:55 AM (c595h)

6 I remember a time when I would have thought "someone needs to make it up to me" for the exact same things mentioned above. It is not hard to imagine at all. But then I figured out the answer to that riddle. The only person who can do make it up to me is ... well, me. In the world I live in, I can't change the massive Army machine, the politics of war, and the minds of enemy. So I changed myself. And I have done what I can to put my myself first, then my marriage, then the rest of the world. Granted I sit in a very different spot from xscwife, but if I don't like the view, change my perspective, or suffer. Being tired of suffering, the choice was not and is not difficult. (And when I say stuff like this, it is mostly me reminding myself. Mostly.) Sorry to get off track there. Sarah, I wanted to say that I know you approve of at least one movie wife, too: Queen Gorgo. I think she is my movie wife role model. But frankly, I like real life models, like you, Sarah.

Posted by: Butterfly Wife at May 16, 2008 05:56 PM (nK6Pm)

7 What about McClane's wife Holly? Didn't she come *back* after that whole business in the first movie? I can't remember what happened with them after that.

Posted by: Anwyn at May 16, 2008 07:37 PM (dzxw9)

8 You are a brick!

Posted by: Maggie at May 18, 2008 08:21 AM (XiJJE)

9 My favorite wife role model is actually on the most recent show I watched; the John Adams series on HBO. Abigail Adams was awesome; intelligent, strong, supportive... she held her husband together in his toughest times, and held her family together when he was gone. She's a wife who's well worth emulating.

Posted by: Emily at May 19, 2008 11:57 AM (jAos7)

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Oh my goodness, I just had a hilarious thought: my baby is Schroedinger's cat.
Wow, that really cheered me up.

(OK, so not really. Observation won't actually cause the baby to be alive or dead, but for now it really does seem like it's both.)

Posted by: Sarah at 11:03 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Yesterday I was supposed to go in and get more labwork done to make sure that the pregnancy is progressing. I was supposed to show up at lunchtime to do it. When I got there, I found that the nurse had forgotten to order the bloodwork. Naturally, it was lunchtime, so no one was around. I sat for half an hour until they got back from lunch to put the request in the computer system. I ended up getting the test done at about 1:15. When I called for the results, they told me that because I had gotten it done after 1:00, the results wouldn't be ready until tomorrow. Yeah, totally their fault.

I have been calling for the past two and a half hours this morning, and no one is answering the phone.

You know, I said I'm optimistic about the pregnancy, but I've realized what a panic I'm in that I can't get these results. It's like this time I need proof that the baby is not dead, since I carried a dead one around for seven weeks last time.

Someone answer the &%$# phone.

UPDATE:

She finally returned my voicemail, two hours after I left it. My results don't look that great. Not dire, but not perfect. I won't know anything more until they can do an ultrasound in two weeks.

Two weeks of agonizing. How nice.

UPDATE AGAIN:

Sorry for the confusion. It's not that they can't get me in for two weeks; it's that ultrasounds are useless until the baby's at least seven weeks along. There's nothing they can know for sure until the heart starts beating. So we have to wait until then, which is two weeks from now.

UPDATE AGAIN:

I worked up the nerve to call back and mentioned that my husband is deployed and I'm sitting alone in the house working myself into a tizzy over this. The nurse reluctantly agreed to let me get my levels tested again tomorrow, but she said flat out that it was pretty pointless. Ewww. And this is a fertility clinic nurse, someone who should know better. All her patients are fragile and freaked out, and she acted all exasperated that I am nervous because she made me feel uneasy about my results. But how are you supposed to feel when someone reads you your numbers and then says, "Oh. Hmm. Have you had a miscarriage before? Oh." and gives you one-word answers to the questions that you're managing to choke out through tears? I mean, for goodness' sake. Nice bedside manner, lady.

Posted by: Sarah at 05:55 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 431 words, total size 2 kb.

1 WHY do they do these kinds of things to us and then look at us like we have two heads when we start to flip out over it!? I'm with you--the phone is RINGING...someone needs to PICK IT UP. Also, you know, of course, that you will need to post an immediate update. Even though I know all is well, I still will need to read that for myself and *I* have been waiting a couple long days for these tests too. {{Hugs}} If you want me to call & jack someone up, let me know. It's one of those days here.

Posted by: Guard Wife at May 15, 2008 06:19 AM (lougU)

2 The weird part is when you go to get a sonogram in the same room where you were also told that you were carrying a dead baby. Ugh. I totally wigged during most of my pregnancy following my miscarriage. It still seems eerie when I go to the hospital even though I had two healthy baby girls there. You will always feel like you lost a part of you. Still, I just assume that the healthy strong spirit of my 2nd child simply couldn't live in that body that died in utero. So, she waited around until we created a strong body too. That baby is with you. Always. Hold on to that in faith. And someone answer the DAMN phone!

Posted by: Tonya at May 15, 2008 06:30 AM (KV0YP)

3 I totally feel you on the hospital run around nobody answering the phone thing. Just keep trying. I think it took me over an hour one day of hanging up, dialing, getting a busy signal, hanging up, dialing, getting a ring that turned to a busy signal, dialing, getting a ring that was never answered. The military healthcare system is a shining example of why socialized medicine doesn't work. Although it should. Somehow.

Posted by: Sis B at May 15, 2008 06:47 AM (0ZS+T)

4 I highly recommend calling your clinic's Patient Advocate if you have trouble like this again. That will usually get you a prompt return phone call, and it's less anxiety for you to deal with. I'm sending you good thoughts, and know that just because the results so far aren't perfect, it doesn't mean that they're bad.

Posted by: Ann M. at May 15, 2008 08:09 AM (HFUBt)

5 Two weeks?! Whom do I need to call? I can bake cookies & send them for you to take as a bribe...I could threaten to come down there and TRUST ME...no one wants that. I'm off next week (no bar prep classes) so if I need to grab GBear and hop on a plane, let me know. I'm really good at distracting folks with chocolate...or interpretive dance. Your pick. We're here so let us know.

Posted by: Guard Wife at May 15, 2008 08:10 AM (20Lnu)

6 Wow. Two weeks. That sucks (yeah, I know, stating the obvious huh) I know all dr offices/hospitals are different in how they handle things, but I'm suprised they wouldn't monitor your hcg levels in the meantime if they suspect something is wrong. Anyway, all fingers are crossed for you here!

Posted by: sharona at May 15, 2008 08:43 AM (BeRta)

7 You should have a Trans Vaginal US ASAP, it is not useless and would be a standard practice for high risk.

Posted by: * at May 15, 2008 09:15 AM (7zKI/)

8 Retesting two days later isn't useless. If the bloodwork shows "low levels" a test two days later can be helpful. Ideally, the test results will show the the results doubling in a two days later. This happened to me with my first pregnancy. That pregnancy is now a healthy 4 year old tornado. Also, they can do a vaginal sonogram at this point and rule out things like an ectopic pregnancy.

Posted by: * at May 15, 2008 11:30 AM (k140Y)

9 Well, I'll use a term I seldom use, it's a generational thing, but that just sucks! It is one reason in my day they wouldn't say you were pregnant till you had missed two periods and your uterus was engorged. I am thinking positive for you and urge you to do the same. If I could I would go bless out some staff for you, they are for your benefit not theirs!!

Posted by: Ruth H at May 15, 2008 02:07 PM (w9ltj)

10 I would say that I would need to make mention of this to whomever oversees those nurses. Really. She should know better. And, nine times out of ten, a doctor hasn't a clue about what the nurses do/say that upset their patients and they wish they did. It may not be until a doctor loses patients (and that usually is a slow process) and doesn't pick up new ones (no more word-of-mouth referrals) that he/she realizes there is a problem. It's about common sense and being caring and compassionate. It isn't always easy to do, but you know what?? That's kind of her job. I have told more than one person delivering alleged medical care to my kids that if they don't have it in their hearts to treat children anymore, they should not. Because, let's face it. If you're making an already sucky situation for my daughter worse by your piss poor attitude, you're likely to receive a little super tune. At least they are close to the band-aids should I ever go off. Keep us posted, k?

Posted by: Guard Wife at May 15, 2008 05:09 PM (BslEQ)

11 Please call the nice woman who gave you her #...make her a liason of sorts...some nurses are miserable people.....they should not be but are...

Posted by: awtm at May 15, 2008 05:23 PM (nNW3E)

12 The advice above (*) is spot on regarding retesting the hcg levels and also about the info that can be gained from an ultrasound even before the stage a heartbeat would be heard. At the WR REI clinic they had a super nice head rn you could talk to as the contact person. Your nurse sounds ridiculous. If she isn't the head rn I would ask for her/him or put in a request for a call from a doctor. It might take a bit of time but they call back and I would guess they hate their job a little less than she does and won't look to pass the buck and flatout bs you about this. Aarrgghh! That makes me mad! Totally not the way to be treated. I hope the hcg rollercoaster ride is short and ends quickly with a good result.

Posted by: wifeunit at May 15, 2008 06:36 PM (BOdNw)

13 Another comment because my blood is still boiling at that nurse. Years ago I had a doctor whose nursing staff changed over about a two year period and a nurse of that type became his chief link with his patients. She was rude, rude, rude. I had a good relationship with this doctor and told him of my concerns over this nurse. He was sooo appreciative. He continued to be my doctor for about 15 more years and from time to time would ask me if the nurses were handling my calls properly. He told me he could tell if the number of emergency or concerned calls fell he needed to tell them that he was in charge, not them.

Posted by: Ruth H at May 16, 2008 04:00 AM (w9ltj)

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When I was in high school, my brother and I wanted to see From Dusk Until Dawn. We finally rented it, and he was going to watch it with his friends and then bring it home for me to watch. As he was leaving his friends' house, he dropped the VHS tape and accidentally stepped on it, cracking the tape, making me unable to watch it.

I am reminded of that frustration today.

If you remember my saying so, I love crappy action movies. Our Blockbuster queue is filled with them now that my husband is gone. So I watched First Blood the other night (the first Rambo movie, to rubes like me who didn't know it wasn't actually called Rambo.) That movie is freaking weird. Why are some Oregon cops harrassing a guy who just wanted to eat in the local diner, to the point where they're all getting killed over it? Whatever, Stallone is hot.

So I returned the movie and was all set to watch First Blood II tonight.

Now imagine me saying "Weak. Lame." in my best Cartman voice: They mailed me another copy of the first movie.

I wanted Cambodia, not Oregon again.

Weak. Lame.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:33 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 226 words, total size 1 kb.

I just got my first letter in the mail from my husband, sent from Kuwait. In it he compares something he heard in the SF community to a part of Jonah Goldberg's book. Gosh, I love that man.

UPDATE:

Speaking of Jonah Goldberg, he compares Obama and Reagan in a recent interview:

First of all, Ronald Reagan which at times does sound superficially like Barack Obama's: Reagan talked about a shining city on a hill, and all that kind of stuff and he had this wonderful rhetoric about patriotism and unity and all these kinds of things. And I'm sure you could find all sorts of other comparisons between Reagan's rhetoric and Obama's. But at the end of the day, Reagan was romanticizing not government but the glories and wonders of the American people and what they can do with God's gift of freedom. Which is an enormous distinction.

Reagan still believed that government wasn't the solution, it was the problem. And Obama's approach is the exact opposite of that. Reagan comes from the National Review tradition of believing that a virtuous, a truly virtuous society can only be the end-product of a free society. For virtue not freely chosen is not virtue as Frank Meyer might say. And Obama's whole shtick is that we must be unified and hopeful for what the government itself can do for us. Michelle Obama says Barack Obama is going to cure and heal our sickened souls. From my perspective, we have a Second Amendment precisely to keep governments who think they are in the soul-fixing business at bay.

I don't want the government to try and fix my soul. When Barack Obama has his door-knocking volunteers go around, they're instructed not to talk about issues but to talk about how they came to Obama in the same way that people talk about coming to Jesus. That scares me. And that's not Reaganesque. Reagan's whole approach-I think Obama's gift for oratory and for seeming like a decent and compelling personality that you'd want to know and you enjoy listening to, that kind of stuff is Reaganesque. His ability to read a script is Reaganesque and I think those comparisons are perfectly legitimate just as I think comparisons between Mike Huckabee and Reagan on that score-his ability to connect with people are fair. But in terms of philosophy, the last thing in the world that Reagan represented was the idea that we should sort of turn politics into this quasi-religious enterprise where a great leader using government can redeem the society and deliver us to some sort of utopian place where we all sort of have to work together, that's not Reaganesque. That's the opposite of Reaganism.

That's good squishy.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:25 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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My husband's buddy also mentioned that he was a little worried about me, that too much solitude was going to make me batty. He joked that I'd better not turn into Emily Dickinson.

And while there is no frigate like a book, I too worry about having so much alone time.

But if my solitude could get me anywhere near writing something like this, it would be worth it.

My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

Posted by: Sarah at 11:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I've come across a complaint that SpouseBUZZ is too cheerful of a place. Man, I think it's sad that anyone would dislike the site for that reason. I just think we try hard to see the glass as half full.

Being of that mindset, I loved the post over at Fifteen Months called My Top 8 Tips For Surviving Deployment. My favorite is #5:

5. Everytime you feel like you want something from him to fulfill something missing inside of you, think instead of what you can do for him and the voids he must have being so far away from the colorful landscape of America. If you feel unloved or ignored or sad, do something that you think will make him feel loved, wanted, less alone. Instead of focusing on what things are like for you, try to think about walking in his boots a little bit every day.

All eight of them are such good advice for keeping deployment in perspective.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:18 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Last night my husband's friend commented appreciatively on my KitchenAid mixer. I told him it was my Surviving Deployment Present to myself. I remember how I had to force myself to get it because I thought it was so frivolous. A present, just for not falling to pieces in one year.

And then I learned that other wives had gotten enormous honkin' diamonds and Saabs.

Until today, I had never heard of a "push present," which apparently is a new trend. Husbands are supposed to waste money on wives when they deliver a baby, in addition to the money they waste on ridiculous old Valentine's Day. And I have a feeling that it probably goes down a lot like other people's Surviving Deployment presents did; nothing like blowing a huge wad of cash right when you need it most in life. I would think it was sweet if my husband got something for the baby or a little thing for me. But I sure ain't countin' on it. And I know for a fact that he would not buy expensive jewelery and I wouldn't want him to.

I don't think it's weird to get your spouse a gift; in fact, I've already got something in mind for my husband. But it's not a requirement, for heaven's sake.

My "push present" will probably be an increase in my life insurance policy.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:19 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 Yeah...that is kind of weird. I read an article about it where they were asking what moms or moms to be thought about it...and you basically got the same responses you would get about Valentine's Day, anniversaries, etc...the same people who thought a present was necessary then, thought it was a great idea, and others, we ho-hum about it. But I think that flowers or something is nice...not necessary, for sure, but still, I am always touched when my husband buys me flowers, because I know how frivilous he finds them. By the way, A KitchenAid is the furthest thing from frivilous for me...I am almost insulted....;-)... My father gave me a KitchenAid for Xmas when I was 11. Big gift for a little girl you might say, but I LOVED to cook and bake, and I used that thing...and the same one is still in my parents' kitchen now...my brother and sister-in-law gave me one for a wedding present, and it is one of the most used things in the kitchen. You can give me a kitchen appliance over jewelry any day!

Posted by: CaliValleyGirl at May 13, 2008 04:34 AM (irIko)

2 I always joke that should I smell smoke in the house, I'm grabbing a kid under each arm & shooing the dogs out the door while Hubs is to grab the Kitchen Aid mixer. I LOVE that thing. I bought one for myself after a rather successful garage sale--I decluttered lots of sentimental things and made myself feel better with a new appliance. I love kitchen gadgets and cookware too. Although, the earrings Hubs and the girls gave me for graduation/Mother's Day are nothing to sneeze at either! I think there needs to be some recognition on the husband's part at the birth of a child--I've always been fond of the look of abject admiration and amazement at the feat I have just performed before his very eyes, rather than jewelry or the like. I kind of treated labor & delivery like a competitive sport so just being the WINNER was good enough.

Posted by: Guard Wife at May 13, 2008 05:08 AM (20Lnu)

3 Don't get me wrong: I love my mixer and use it all the time. It was definitely worth the money. But I thought at the time that it was silly of me to think I deserved a $150 appliance just for living through one year of my life.

Posted by: Sarah at May 13, 2008 05:44 AM (TWet1)

4 Actually, I do that often: make a major purchase and then make up a reason for it. I have got my "10 days of marriage" water-cooker...and my Happy 2008 egg cooker...and my Valentine's Day hand-held-vac...2 months celebration of having a dog Nerf bars for my truck (okay, I made that one up just now, I got the Nerf bars, but for no special reason). My husband and I make up a list of larger purchases that we want to make in the future, and it hangs on the fridge, and then we check those things off...it sounds so much better if you make up a reason for it, rather than just go out and buy it...so why not celebrate "surviving a year of your life" with a Kitchen Aid? I think I will add that to my list of purchase excuses!

Posted by: CaliValleyGirl at May 13, 2008 05:54 AM (irIko)

5 My sister got a "push" present for the births of her two daughters- diamond studs and a diamond ring. But what made it kind of cool, and somehow less gaudy... they weren't my sister's to keep; she was to keep them safe for a while. He really bought them for his baby girls to have when they were all grown up. I think it's sweet. Mom just gets to borrow them for a while. I personally don't mind push presents, but I'd rather get them for myself than to demand my husband get it for me.

Posted by: Crys at May 13, 2008 07:05 AM (dqGUK)

6 I have never heard of a push present before. I have always bought myself deployment presents, though. Last deployment I bought a Dyson. I couldn't live without my KitchenAid. That mixer makes my life so much easier.

Posted by: Tressa at May 13, 2008 12:43 PM (yY6P+)

7 I would have taken one after the birth of our son. 10 lbs 1 oz, naturally, two days after he arrived home for R&R, then when Junior was 13 days old, Gunner was gone again. I still couldn't sit. He owes me, lol. Maybe his "snipping" was my present?

Posted by: ABW at May 13, 2008 12:53 PM (Y3JJK)

8 Wow...$150 would be a bargain for Kitchen Aid! Must have been the PX...I miss that place. I've looked into buying one and Target wants around $200 for the smaller one. I think I'll get the Dyson first...I don't know what to think about "push" presents. Having not given birth, I hate to insult the idea...I might think I deserve one someday.

Posted by: Nicole at May 13, 2008 01:23 PM (sBJ2p)

9 Sarah...welcome to a Man's World. (Disclaimer - Patti, the sweetest woman on the planet, NEVER expects presents but always makes me feel like I'm the most thoughtful husband ever even when its just a card on an unexpected moment.) By the Man's World comment...can I reintroduce you to "Is Two Months Salary Too Much for the Woman of Your Dreams?" crap they shell out for engagement rings? What is the purpose of this approach. Is it to set expectations? On whose part? I just had a guy tell me he put a "down payment" on the engagement ring. I'm thinkin' "Dude, is she wearing an Audi on her left hand????" So...am I to feel ashamed I didn't spend zwei monaten's salary on Patti's ring? If I am, I don't. Is Patti supposed to feel slighted because I didn't put us into debt right before our wedding? Well, she certainly doesn't seem to be suffering any ill effects of not worrying about a credit balance with outrageous interest. And don't even get me started on that whole "Every Kiss Begins with Kay" thing. I'm with Jonah on this one

Posted by: Tim Fitz at May 13, 2008 03:45 PM (Nki/C)

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So my husband's single friend came over for dinner tonight, and he asked how I was doing, both with the deployment and with the baby situation. And during the course of chatting, I mentioned the miscarriage, and I also asked him if I could put him down on my list of people to call should I have to endure a casualty notification.

He started to panic and said that we'd better change the subject. I couldn't figure out why, until he said, "I'm afraid you're going to start crying and I don't really know how to handle that."

I laughed and said I hope he doesn't think I'm that fragile. I told him that I haven't cried even once since my husband left and that I'm really feeling quite good and normal.

I'm not sure he believed me.

Really, I'm fine. I'm like creepy fine. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop, but I don't feel sad at all. I'm sure at some point I will get a little weepy, especially if hormones start kicking in, but I don't feel bad at all right now.

But apparently it took me two weeks to cry last time, so I guess I have another seven days.

But also like last time, I just don't suffer.

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It's funny the things that strike you about a person.
And it's nice when they don't label you as teh crazy.

Yeah, my button love. I started collecting them when my mother gave me a jar of buttons that were my great grandmother's. Now I have thousands, all over the house. I have buttons filling lamps and buttons in vases and in jars tucked all over the place.

My relatives even threw me a button bridal shower and collected buttons from anyone who had them. That's how I was able to make this:

The funniest button story I have was when I expressed my love for buttons while living in Sweden. My friend's mother took me to her work so I could sift through all the buttons I wanted. Sadly, she worked at a sort of daycare for mentally handicapped adults. I don't know what that says about me, that I want to play with the same things they do.

So when Sis B and I turned the corner in the yarn shop, I walked open-mouthed to the button rack. And these are high-end buttons, which you buy individually, not the card kind you get at any old store. I ooohed and aaahed, and she was a good sport and pointed nice ones out with me.

The button love is intense in our house.

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1 Okay, can I be seriously selfish and say: I love it when Russ deploys, because you become a majorly prolific blogger and I get more of my Sarah Grokking fix?

Posted by: CaliValleyGirl at May 12, 2008 02:12 PM (irIko)

2 I love the button lamp. It was the first thing a noticed when you moved in next doot to me.

Posted by: Jennifer at May 12, 2008 04:27 PM (mlZxF)

3 My son (4) found a heart shaped button under the couch today. He brought it to me and told me it was for Mother's Day... How sweet! one more button story - I once had a job painting ceramic buttons. I cleaned the button-shaped greenware, then painted all kinds of things! Raggedy Ann and Andy, a carrot, a few cats, words, and all kinds of crazy things. I still have a few if you ever need some ceramic radish buttons...

Posted by: wendy's tiki hut at May 12, 2008 11:48 PM (56tHP)

4 One of my most prized possessions is my Grandmothers button box. We grandkids entertained ourselves with them for hours while she sewed. At one point, I made big broaches for all of us for one of our family reunions using some of the buttons from her buttons. Mom and I put ours in shadowboxes. Makes me smile every time I see it.

Posted by: teresa at May 13, 2008 08:32 AM (S/Fac)

5 My great-grandmas, grandmas, mom, and aunts all had "button boxes." LOVED playing with them as a kid and wish I had one of my own!! How cool. Is that an Erin card on your table??

Posted by: Guard Wife at May 13, 2008 10:03 AM (20Lnu)

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Oh my gosh, I miss my husband so much right this moment that I can't stand it.

I found a blog post that I'm dying to discuss with him. Yeah, we don't get enough telephone time to discuss blog posts.

“I hope the officers of her Majesty’s army may never degenerate into bookworms.”

Husband, if you're checking the blog, you simply must read that post and also the comment by SmittenEagle it references. And then write me a letter about what you think!

Actually, I already know what you think.

When my husband started Civil Affairs training, he was given a stack of books to read. He was dismayed to learn that, months later, some of his classmates hadn't read any of them. And we're talking Bernard Lewis level books, not Lawrence of Arabia (which my husband read on his own two years ago). He was so frustrated that people could be in a class about the Middle East and have so little motivation to learn anything about the Middle East.

He, on the other hand, is a studier. He has a reputation in his unit for being a bookworm, a brain. And while my husband is a danged genius, really all he's doing is reading books on Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iran. That should be a given for anyone in his branch of the Army. Instead, when he went to the branch library to check out a book on modern Iraq, he was the first person to ever have checked it out.

There's no danger of bookworms among his peers. Sadly.

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After our fateful trip to the emergency room in December, I had to go see the doctor the next day to schedule my D&C. I pulled into an extremely packed parking lot, save for an empty row of Expectant Mother spots right by the front. I broke down sobbing in my regular person parking space, far from the front door. It was another reminder that I had lost my chance to use those spaces.

So today as I drove up to the hospital to get my bloodwork done, I got a grin on my face thinking that I could park in one of those spaces! And wouldn't you know, they were all full.

But next time, next time I will be able to.

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1 !!! !!!? ?? Congratulations! My puzzlement is me wondering whether I missed a previous post on this subject, or whether this is it, and whether people aren't commenting because they already knew or for some other reason. But ... congrats!

Posted by: Anwyn at May 12, 2008 01:03 PM (dzxw9)

2 And the answer is ... read farther down the blog, all the way to previously read posts, before commenting. Sorry ... congrats again.

Posted by: Anwyn at May 12, 2008 01:06 PM (dzxw9)

3

Posted by: Butterfly Wife at May 13, 2008 04:05 AM (nK6Pm)

4 save the spot for when you're doing the pregnant waddle and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Posted by: Susan at May 14, 2008 04:48 PM (OWlhq)

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My husband's two friends from Farsi class share an apartment (because we've all seen the state of the barracks around here). They come over often for dinner, but we had never been to their place. My husband goes over there one day and comes home and, on a stack of Bibles, says, "Man, their house is clean! And so tidy! Not like ours." Heh. That gem of a compliment was made to me on Valentine's Day, no less.

So the first time I go to their apartment for shooting day, I nearly have a heart attack. Three single junior enlisted soldiers live there, and I swear to you I would've eaten off the floor. It was immaculate.

And all of a sudden I felt mighty ashamed of all the times they'd been in my grubby house.

Two of the roommates deployed last weekend, so my husband's buddy is all alone, just like I am. My husband told him that we should hang out while they're away, and he promised his friend that he didn't have to fear him Marsellus-Wallace-style. And that I wouldn't snort heroin up my nose and have to be jabbed in the heart with a syringe.

So his buddy is coming over for dinner tonight while the gettin's still good, while I can still cook before morning sickness sets in. I'm making him my favorite: saltimbocca alla Romana. Then I thought we could watch the "Fun With Veal" South Park.

Thus I've spent the entire morning on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. And cleaning windowsills. And vacuuming. And doing everything I can to hide the fact that a full-time soldier keeps his place cleaner than a full-time wife does.

Seriously, they make me look like a slob.

Back to work.

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I read the book Gates of Fire because Neil from Armor Geddon said that I reminded him of a Spartan woman. What a compliment! I loved the book when I read it during the last deployment. My husband picked up the book about a year after he returned from Iraq, and he was almost mad at me: "Why didn't you suggest I read this book sooner?" Heh.

I'm reading it again now, and I noticed that my husband marked some passages when he read it. I love to see what he marked, like a window into his mind, illuminating what's important to him.

Like this passage:

War, not peace, produces virtue. War, not peace, purges vice. War, and preparation for war, call forth all that is noble and honorable in a man. It unites him with his brothers and binds them in selfless love, eradicating in the crucible of necessity all which is base and ignoble. There in the holy mill of murder the meanest of men may seek and find that part of himself, concealed beneath the corrupt, which shines forth brilliant and virtuous, worthy of honor before the gods.

And this passage, which I know must have struck a chord with my husband. If I were to say that anything haunted my husband from his first deployment, it would be that he wishes he had done more:

The secret shame of the warrior, the knowledge within his own heart that he could have done better, done more, done it more swiftly or with less self-preserving hesitation; this censure, always most pitiless when directed against oneself, gnawed unspoken and unrelieved at the men's guts. No decoration or prize of valor, not victory itself, could quell it entire.

I like these marked passages; it's as if my husband is here beside me, reading aloud the things he finds interesting. It's nice to hear his voice in the house.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:58 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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If you have a quiet moment today, please reflect for a second on our dear internet friend Debey. Think of her and all the other mothers who have lost their children in Iraq and Afghanistan, and maybe take a minute to go tell her that you're thinking of her today, that we are grateful that there are mothers out there who raised sons like Gunnar.

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Rose Michelle wrote a post called If It Weren't For War...

I dare say, I would probably be living the same boring day over and over. Waking each day, dreading what was to come from a mundane job, same relentless chores, and never ending errands. I'd probably live next to the same people for 20 years and never know their name, drive the same route every day never seeing the beauty around me.

If it weren't for war, I'm never have married an American hero, be inspired by those around me or treasure the littlest moments such as making dinner with my husband or dancing on the porch in the moonlight. Maybe they're right, it sounds like such a horrible life!

If it weren't for war...

It reminds me of when I wrote this:

Today I started thinking that if 9/11 hadn't happened, my life would be quite different. My husband was slated to join the Army for four years of Finance. My guess is that he would've completed his commitment and taken his business mind elsewhere for more money. Certainly he wouldn't have stayed in and chosen to learn Farsi. We'd probably be somewhere in the Midwest, working and living like most of our peers.

If it weren't for war, I wouldn't know how precious my husband is. I wouldn't relish every day with him. I wouldn't be as proud of him as I was every time he got a perfect score on a Farsi quiz. I wouldn't cherish every moment with him, knowing there will be months and years of our lives apart. I wouldn't have such good Perspective, knowing that dirty laundry on the floor or dribbles of pee on the toilet rim means that at least he's home and safe.

I wouldn't have read so many books about the Middle East. I wouldn't know Iraqi geography. I wouldn't crochet squares for Hand-Crafted Comfort. I wouldn't write so many letters.

My life would be less immediate, less fulfilling, less lived.

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Deployment Silver Linings

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